Tomorrow (Thursday) is my last work day before leaving for FSG. I have two files to close and one diary item to do. Beyond that it's just keeping the email cleared and getting my notices set up.
Tonight I will sweep & mop, make frosting (with GOAT butter!), and gather trash.
I MIGHT bring up the camp kitchen, camp table, and another bin.
( more lists- a countdown for myself, not much to see here. )
When we get there, we'll get unloaded and set up, and make dinner for those who will be joining us a bit later.
Still not great, but SO much better. I wonder if it will get better as I take the medication for a longer period of time.
I'm not afraid to go to sleep, now.
I'm also not afraid to do more than a short walk tomorrow.
This is good. When it was so high, I was afraid to do anything strenuous.
I tried doing the gazelle in the morning, but F comes in and begs me out of it (he wants to use it, which throws me off).
Perhaps I'll start doing yoga in the morning again, and put out a second mat in case F wants to join me.
Now, off to do my pre-bedtime meditation and head to bed.
Ok, first the secondary infertility. So much has happened since then, though, that I only sometimes get teary about it. Yes, it still feels like I'm being flayed alive when it hits me, but there's a lot more time in between those times. I actually managed to MAKE a baby toy for a colleague whose wife should deliver anytime now! This is progress.
Then the weight. It's a constant struggle. I get it mostly off, and something happens that completely throws me for a loop, and I end up back where I started. I haven't gotten to the "gained more than I lost," place, though. That's something, right?
I really can't manage the WW meetings anymore. Three cycles tried, three cycles completely interrupted. *sigh*
BUT, I had appointments and checkups this fall and early winter, and everything looked GREAT! Blood values were excellent, blood pressure was great, pulse was a little higher than I like, but still well within the healthy range. Ok, so I was fat, but doing ok with it, and keeping everything in check.
Then the Crohns hit. Boy did it hit. There were times I thought I was dying. One of them was at Arisia (which is when we figure I had my very first flare up). It's been a struggle. Since it hit, though, my blood pressure has been elevated. Sure, it might be related to the pain and stress of the Crohns, but it's been elevated for a few months, now.
But my resting heart rate is GREAT!
My heart rate is still really good, but my blood pressure is now scary high, for me. Ok, it's not "We're putting you in the hospital right now," scary. If I didn't have a cuff at home, now, I wouldn't know how bad it could get, though. So I have an appointment this afternoon. Also, I've been really bloated lately. Perhaps this is why. Or perhaps the blood pressure is because of the water retention. IDK. *sigh*
I know what I'm going to hear.
"Lose weight," yeah, like I'm NOT trying?
"Exercise." I walk at lunch every day that I can. When I can is determined by weather, hip pain, and whether I can be that far away from a bathroom that day. (I've been realizing that I pretty much need to fast for about a half day before I go on a road trip in order to be able to spend most of the day on the road, not at rest stops).
I WAS going to a gym 3-4 days a week. That stopped when my hours were changed at work. Now, when I can get to the gym, the machines that can work with my body are all in use.
I suppose I can look elsewhere. Perhaps after FSG.
I have watched a whole bunch of folks mourning the loss of someone in the community. I did not know her, so while I mourn her passing on one level (as part of the community), I do not have the visceral tearing feeling that many folks I see are experiencing. I am sorry, though - you do all have my condolences.
On a lighter note, there's a kid's song going through my head and making me giggle:
Tony Chestnut knows I love you, (toe knee chest nut(head) nose eye)
Tony Chestnut knows I love you,
That’s what Tony knows.
And his sister, Eileen (I lean)
Eileen loves Neil (kneel)
And Neil loves Pat (pat head)
But Pat still loves Bob (nod head)
Then there’s Russell (rustle)
And Skip (skip)
This song is silly,
But it’s hip (point to hip)
And in the end (point to bottom)
Just one man knows (nose)
And guess what (WHAT!)
It’s Tony Chestnut.
I've realized for quite a while that most of my trad mates and even those in my greater community have NO CLUE about my relationship with various deities. This is generally because I don't talk about it - I let them unfold between me and my gods. However, in processing some things, I think it might be helpful to have some of this context, and since I process well when I write things out and get feedback from others.
So - who wants in?
Now, in prior attempts to lose weight (often successful!) I have not bothered with retraining my taste buds. I simply switched out artificial sweeteners for the higher calorie real things. However, since February, my goal has been to:
1. Stop gaining weight (I have certainly managed this)
2. Get my mind into place to lose weight a better way.
3. Do this without "fake foods." That means without depending on artificial sweeteners (I still like them in my coffee, but only because they dissolve better than sugar), without depending on "fat free cheese." (I have no idea how that is actually supposed to be cheese with no fat!), and without buying "low-carb" items. Food is what it is. I need to heal that relationship with food.
So, I'm doing ok. Not great. I'm only down 15 pounds, so far, but really that's since the beginning of the summer. Before then I was more focused on just not gaining anymore. So, yeah. Doing ok. It's slow going.
I noticed something this morning, though.
I like my tea with nothing in it.
This is relatively new. I'm having a spiced black tea, and no sweetener. Nothing. It's yummy, if a little bitter. I remember a time when I LOVED bitter flavors. I was never a real acidic flavor lover, but bitter I liked. I wasn't overweight then.
I wonder if I can get that back...
Now, he types slowly, and his spelling is atrocious, but he wants to do this. I won't get him his own sign-on, but perhaps, sometime this evening, we'll go online together and find someone safe for him to chat with. I'll sit with him, though, because the idea of a 6 year old online without me next to him weirds me out just a bit (except for the legos.com web site, where he plays games and watches videos, but doesn't actually interact with anyone.)
Ok, so my husband and I have several anniversaries. There's the anniversary of our first date (which was also when I first started showing signs of my nightshade issues. *sigh*). Then there's the anniversary of our legal marriage. Ultimately, though, there was our wedding with oomph - the one where our vows were more than, "We vow to pay taxes together."
Happy Anniversary, Sweetie!
This was an accomplishment.
Kiddo was so tired last night that he had a little breakdown as we got home from after-school care. We sat on the couch for a bit, cuddled and talked about it. When I asked, "Is it because you're tired?" He said it was, and went up to bed, asking that I bring dinner upstairs for him to have it in bed. So we did that. Then he read four books to me (and then his daddy). Then we read some Shel Silverstein poems (From Falling Up ), and he went to sleep.
He did wake up at 4 Am, but he was back to sleep by 4:30, and slept until 6.
Yes, he was a tired kiddo - he had about 11 total hours of sleep last night. Aaaaw.
One of the nicest women in my office is pregnant with child #3. I want to make sure that I say she is one of the sweetest people I have ever met. When she started showing just a little bit, she made sure to tell me away from everyone else in case it bothered me. I didn't even expect that she knew what we had gone through, but I guess she did. I wonder how many other people in my office know.
She did say the, "I have no idea how I am going to manage 3 - two is already really hard," but then she said, "still, I'm sure you wish you could only have that problem." Just the fact that she understood what she said, and how it might sound, was comforting.
Still, I'm here at my desk crying. I really am happy for her.
And it's not even like I still think I could handle a second child. I'm in pain all the time, I'm quite a bit older than I was when F was born, and we've given away so much that it would financially be like a first child again. It would also be emotionally like a first child again, since F is now over 6 years old. Besides, I'm 42. If my eggs were crap at 37, they're really useless, now.
So I will be sad for a little bit today. Then I will go home, clean the house, maybe with some bluegrass music blasting on the radio, or something else fun (Ooooh - some Kate. yeah). After that, I will decorate more for Halloween.
Because life doesn't stop because I mourn - and I can't let myself stop living because of infertility, too.
From Tuesday - healthy kiddo (in case I forgot that), and good checkups.
Yesterday - I had forgotten how fast I can read. No, really. My "reading time" is so interrupted nowadays that I don't know what it is to just sit down and enjoy a book. I get it in snippets, a chapter at a time, if I'm lucky. Sometimes as little as a page or two at a time because I get so interrupted by kiddo and other responsibilities.
So, last night, I sat for a neat kid (who was surprised that I used to play "Eye of the Tiger" back when I was 13). He went to bed with NO trouble at all, and then I read. I read most of my book! Really! How weird is that? It was really nice. I know there was a time when I read for an hour or two, uninterrupted, every night. Then again, for many years I lived alone. I enjoy reading like that. I enjoy spending time with my family even more, though.
Oddly, I'm grateful for happy wait staff and good service at the Applebee's on US1 in Saugus. After a very sad attempt to have a happy birthday dinner for Kiddo at Hilltop on Monday, we decided to try again.
This time they all came over and sang their birthday song. F loved it. He got a huge grin. He was also so cute, making sure to always address our server by name. It was a little thing, but it made his night.
Yep, grateful for cheesy cheerfulness.
I fought with myself to get out of bed and get to the gym.
I fluctuate between "I CAN get my body healthy," all the way to, "What's the point?" This can all happen in moments.
I feel stupid today, too.
I realized that I looked at the wrong number on a report.
This is making our financial folks go berserk today.
Some things I've noticed...
People keep telling me fruit is sweet. I believe you, I do. However, I do not taste it. I never have. There's sour, bitter and less sour or bitter. When I eat even the "sweetest" fruit, if I'm expecting sweet, I will be disappointed. I need to be in the mood for sour or bitter flavors.
Perhaps that's why I don't like a lot of stone fruits. From what I understand, there's not much to the flavor besides the sweet, and to me it's a juicy pulpy mess with no real reward.
That said, I do eat fruit. It just doesn't do anything for me in the sweet flavor arena.
On another page - getting ready for a busy weekend. Whee!
Frustrated with all the "no" replies to F's birthday, too. The poor kid is going to have only one other kid at his birthday, right now. *sigh* This is the difficulty of a summer birthday. My mother-in-law blew it off, but I remember what it felt like when all my friends got to have birthday parties, and if we even tried to have one for me, everyone was away on vacation.
I think if it continues in this vein, we'll still have the pirate birthday (though with a smaller cake!), and then maybe go to Water Country the next day, or some other outing of his choice.
Maybe WE should go on vacation for his birthdays, now. The NY Ren Faire is going on...
Any time I have been the lucky one, frolic just doesn't happen because of some scheduling problems.
As it is, there is no weekend this month that everyone in our group can make it to frolic. I feel very sad about this. I know this is minor, in the grand scheme of things, but it's a situation of, "Why do others get this, but not me? Or if I do, it's somehow less than what others get?"
Perhaps I'm just tired, too.
We had a power outage at the office.
Now the server that holds my desktop and my documents is down.
That means I can't open anything - not even documents attached to emails.
I also can't add documents to anything.
And this leaves me unable to do any of my work.
I need to do a lot of work before I leave for vacation!
(need some chamomile tea)
Just so folks know, I'm in both places, but usually post just to LJ. However, with recent issues, I'm posting on DW today.
Anyway, it's a morning. I have yogurt and caffeine. This week was an experiment in cutting off my caffeine intake just after lunchtime. This has made sleeping much easier. I feel refreshed in the morning, and not quite as drained as I had been for the last two weeks.
I have 4 more sessions of Yoga BooT Camp! (I stress T because the kiddo thought it was BooB Camp). I will make it! Grrr. Though I've noticed that I am getting that "pissed off at the world" look on my face when I'm focused on getting an asana (pose) just right.
As for other good news:
My mother arrives today! Yay!
Then on Sunday we go winery hopping with her. More yay!