Oct. 6th, 2011

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One of the nicest women in my office is pregnant with child #3.  I want to make sure that I say she is one of the sweetest people I have ever met.  When she started showing just a little bit, she made sure to tell me away from everyone else in case it bothered me.  I didn't even expect that she knew what we had gone through, but I guess she did.  I wonder how many other people in my office know.

She did say the, "I have no idea how I am going to manage 3 - two is already really hard," but then she said, "still, I'm sure you wish you could only have that problem."  Just the fact that she understood what she said, and how it might sound, was comforting. 

Still, I'm here at my desk crying.  I really am happy for her.
And it's not even like I still think I could handle a second child.  I'm in pain all the time, I'm quite a bit older than I was when F was born, and we've given away so much that it would financially be like a first child again. It would also be emotionally like a first child again, since F is now over 6 years old.  Besides, I'm 42.  If my eggs were crap at 37, they're really useless, now.

So I will be sad for a little bit today.  Then I will go home, clean the house, maybe with some bluegrass music blasting on the radio, or something else fun (Ooooh - some Kate.  yeah).   After that, I will decorate more for Halloween.

Because life doesn't stop because I mourn - and I can't let myself stop living because of infertility, too.

tigira: (Default)
In good news, I actually made it to the gym this morning.
This was an accomplishment.

Kiddo was so tired last night that he had a little breakdown as we got home from after-school care.  We sat on the couch for a bit, cuddled and talked about it.  When I asked, "Is it because you're tired?"  He said it was, and went up to bed, asking that I bring dinner upstairs for him to have it in bed.  So we did that.  Then he read four books to me (and then his daddy).  Then we read some Shel Silverstein poems (From Falling Up ), and he went to sleep.

He did wake up at 4 Am, but he was back to sleep by 4:30, and slept until 6.

Yes, he was a tired kiddo - he had about 11 total hours of sleep last night.  Aaaaw.


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